Ask Marvin - Lingering Guests

Dear Marvin,
My final guest count is due to our venue in 16 days and we haven't heard from many people on our guest list. I don't want to call and remind everyone because I'm almost hoping that if I don't bring it up, some won't show. I also kind of feel like, you snooze, you lose. Is that rude?

Final Frenzy

Dear Final Frenzy,
Really, it's up to you and your fiance if you follow up with them. I appreciate your sentiment regarding "you snooze, you lose", but if those people try to rsvp late or just show up then it will just mean more headache for you. If you have a wedding website you can close the rsvp page and then guests are forced to call you if they want to rsvp. If you're not serving a plated meal you could assume they will attend and add extra appetizers. If your meals will be plated, I would suggest calling the lagging guests to make sure they don't show up and not receive a meal.

Best of luck!

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Mystified Mailer

Dear Marvin,
We sent our Save the Dates out almost one year ago and are getting ready to send out invitations. Some people that received save the dates have already told us that they won't be able to make it. Should we still send them invitations?

To Mail Or Not To Mail

Dear Mystified Mailer,
Yes, still send out an invitation to all those that received save the dates. Things change. Their plans could have been canceled or moved since they first received your save the date. It's courteous to send them the invitation regardless, since you already included them in the save the dates. Besides, now you should receive a formal "no" response card which will help keep track.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists
Invitation design by Stephanie J Designs

Ask Marvin - Processional Predicament

Dear Marvin,
I'm not close with my family except my mom. Is it weird if I ask someone on my fiance's side to walk me down the aisle? I feel closer to his family than I do my own.

Processionally Perplexed

Dear Processionally Perplexed,
The tradition of having someone walk you down the aisle to give you away is not absolutely necessary. As with all wedding traditions, there are many modifications to the original that can be made to make it specific to your day. You can walk down by yourself, signifying your independence or have your groom meet you halfway down the aisle. You can also ask your mom to walk you down the aisle, which she will surely be honored to do. If you want a member of your fiance's family to escort you, discuss it with your soon-to-be groom to see how he feels before approaching the family member. You have many options to make your ceremony intimate and personal. List all your options and then discuss them with your fiance.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of Sharpe Photographers

Ask Marvin - To Band Or Not To Band

Dear Marvin,
I love my engagement ring! It has lots of details that show from all angles. I feel like a wedding band may hide some of the intricate details but my family keeps telling me that I have to get a wedding band. Is that true?

Band EvaderDear Band Evader,
There's no steadfast rule that says you have to wear a wedding band. Some brides like to wear a band so that they can wear their band w/o a flashy engagement ring while still signifying their commitment to their partner. Your family may be saying you "need" the band b/c that's the tradition they're used to. You do what you're comfortable with. Your family will understand but remember that once you're engaged you will receive much unsolicited advice and you need to pick and choose what you want to apply to your day.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Mystified By Florals

Dear Marvin,
My wedding is only two months away and I still don't have a florist. I feel like I can't find a florist that can see the vision that I have in mind. Florals are not huge in my budget and I would like to mix large floor arrangements with small centerpieces and conservative bouquets. I feel like I'm running out of time and soon may be out of options, but I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on flowers that I'm not happy with.

Mystified By Florals

Dear Mystified,
My first suggestion is to create a story or inspiration board, if you haven't already, that will spell out the theme, colors and design of your day. You can search online and in mags for thousands of floral samples and I would suggest categorizing them by the elements that you adore (stem wrap style, specific flowers incorporated, texture appearance, size, etc.) I would take these to as many floral appointments as you can make in the next two months to guarantee that you will find someone who you feel comfortable with and can bring your vision to fruition. My second suggestion would be if you are looking for something simple and specific that you feel you could trust in the hands of a family member or friend, maybe order the flowers yourself and work on different arrangements, bouquets until you master them and then can pass them on to someone to deliver the day of. Costco.com and Farmstogo.com have good prices on retail flowers. Start researching and scheduling those appointments!

Marvin

Photo courtesy of Sharpe Photographers

Ask Marvin - Beer/Wine vs. Hard Alcohol

Dear Marvin,
We are having a wedding day bar dilemma. Sounds silly, but true! My fiance's family wants to host a full bar after my fiance and I had already decided on beer and wine only. His parents are planning to pay for the liquor, since mine are paying for the plated dinners. We didn't want it in the first place because we don't want things to get out of control. Some of my fiance's cousins and his friends are known to abuse the privilege of an open bar. I don't know if this is worth arguing over, since they're paying for it. What should we do?

No Liquor For Me
Dear Liquor Less,
First of all have you and your fiance tried explaining to your future in-laws why you prefer no liquor? They may be more understanding then you expect. If you have and they're not budging then I would try to work out a compromise with them regarding the hosted bar. Discuss the option of only serving beer and wine during the cocktail hour and after dinner and having a full bar available during dinner. This way the period of time that guests will be consuming hard alcohol will be complemented (soaked up) by food, helping to avoid any belligerence.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Beach Bound

Dear Marvin,
My fiance and I had discussed getting married in Mexico because we love the ocean and the idea of having our wedding away from home. We want to share the experience of a destination vacation with our closest friends and family. There are a few family members on both sides that say they won't attend if we hold our wedding out of the country. Some of the reasons are different but the point is that these are people we would really like to attend our celebration. We are now conflicted about holding our wedding in Mexico. What should we do?

Beach Bound

Dear Beach Bound,
My suggestion would be to discuss this further with your fiance. You have a few options here:
1. Accept the fact that everyone cannot attend your wedding for whatever reasons, be grateful and excited to share your moment with those that can.
2. Find a beach destination in the US that you both agree on and make sure that those family members will be able to attend if these changes are made.
3. Have your amazing Mexico beach wedding and then upon return hold a small reception for those that were unable to leave the country.

Congratulations,
Marvin

Photo courtesy of Sharpe Photographers

Ask Marvin - Stressed

Dear Marvin,
I am feeling so stressed out from all this wedding planning! Between bridesmaid dresses and music selection, I am starting to freak out! Everyone keeps telling me to calm down, which is making me feel even more stressed! Please help!

Dear Stressed,
First, I encourage you to really focus on why you are getting married. The love you share with your fiancé has inspired a beautiful celebration you will share with your dear friends and family. Secondly, take a few deep breaths and relax. You need to keep your perspective in check. On one hand, your wedding is a monumental event. But, on the other hand, simply one day of many you will share with your other half. Don’t let yourself get so stressed you miss out on the fun and excitement of your big day. Also, if you are feeling too much pressure and haven’t already done so, hire a wedding planner to help with the remaining details. And another thing, it is okay to stress out….a little. Just remember to balance the stress with things that are calming, like a massage or a little kickboxing!

Best of luck,
Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Vexed By My Venue

Dear Marvin,
My wedding is in six weeks and our venue just closed and cleared out all their belongings before I even found out the doors were closing. We have already left a deposit with the staff to secure our date and menu choices. I have less than two months to find a new venue, pay for it and hopefully get my deposit back from the original venue. What should I do?

Vexed By My Venue

Dear Vexed,
This is a difficult situation, but with a quick call to action and determination, you can find another great venue. My first suggestion would be to find your original contract and attempt to contact the owners of the venue and get your deposit back. I would also ask if there's any sort of "inconvenience recourse" that they are offering. They may possibly help secure another venue, additional money returned, look into sister company venues as an alternative, help cover some form of wedding costs or services. While working on getting your deposit back, begin contacting venue alternatives, possibly with the help of someone in the industry. You can contact local associations, AFWPI (afwpi.com), NACE (sacramentonace.net) and local publications and send an email explaining your situation and asking for any information available. You will be amazed at the flood of response that you get from industry professionals wanting to help by offering assistance or contact information. If you continue to struggle with getting your deposit back, the final action would be small claims court. If you let us know what area you're planning your wedding in, we would be happy to get an email out to local vendors, publications, associations, etc. on your behalf and have them contact you.

Best wishes,
Marvin

Photo courtesy of Sharpe Photographers

Ask Marvin - Candy Craving

Dear Marvin,
Some of my wedding Ideas are a little bit, "out of the box", untraditional if you will. I love all of the new trends out now and one of my favorites is the candy bar. All of the different types of candy that my soon to be hubby and I love. (Our first date was to the movies and so I feel candy is fitting.) The problem is that my mother and her sister think this idea is a bit juvenile. Even though my mom is helping to pay for some of our wedding I feel like it is still OUR wedding and I should have it how I want it. Should I honor my mother’s wishes and ditch the candy?

Craving CandyDear Craving Candy,
I have seen the trend of candy at recent weddings and I too, LOVE it!!!I think you should sit down with dear sweet mom and tell her how important it is to you to make your day special. Make sure she knows the connection between the candy and the first date. I'm sure after a heart to heart she will understand. Maybe show her examples from magazines or websites on how tasteful the candy bar can be done. No matter who foots the bill it is still your day and you only get one chance to make it exactly what you want.

Marvin

Flowers by Blooms by Martha Andrews
Table design and containers provided by Pfeiffer Event Planning & A Day to Remember
Rentals provided by Celebrations Party Rentals
Photo courtesy of Sarah Maren Photography

Ask Marvin - Preferred Vendor Dilemma

Dear Marvin,
I have found a photographer that I would really like to shoot my wedding. The dilemma that I am facing now, is that the venue I've selected for our ceremony and reception is very strict on those vendors that it allows to shoot their facility. I can't imagine having another photographer shoot my wedding and I've already paid the deposit for the venue. What can I do?

Not A Perfect PictureDear Not A Perfect Picture,
The best thing to do is ask your venue if they would be willing to allow the photographer to shoot the venue because you have faith in their work. They may not be on the venue's preferred list only because they've never worked together. Some venue manager's may be willing to let the photographer shoot without issue, while others may require a "non-preferred vendor fee". If you really want that photographer, you may have to be willing to pay the fee.
You could face a venue manager that is not willing to allow an outside photographer onto the venue. If that's the case, be sure to interview those that are on their preferred list, giving them an equal opportunity to impress you. If you are absolutely sure that the first photographer is the only one you can work with, you may be forced to find another venue and lose your deposit.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Distressed Over A Dress

Dear Marvin,
I am having a small issue with my future Mother-In-Law. The one color I asked her not to choose for her dress (that she is wearing on my wedding day), is of course, the one color she has chosen! I really haven’t asked for that much from her with regards to my wedding and I can’t believe that my one small request has been completely ignored. And, I really do have a good reason behind my request. My future Mother-In-Law’s dress is the same exact color as the tuxedos! I am not thrilled about my future MIL not only matching my future Father-In-Law's, but the groomsmen, and most importantly, my groom! I am feeling really resentful and irritated that my soon to be MIL isn’t taking my feelings into consideration. What should I do?

Distressed Over a Dress!

Dear Distressed,
It sounds like you are in a bit of a sticky situation. If you have already been honest with your MIL-to-be and explained to her the reasons behind your request, there isn’t a whole lot left for you to say. If she has already chosen the “forbidden” color, and plans to wear that dress- what else can you do? It sounds like it is time to just let this one go. What is the worst thing that will come of all of this? If your answer is there will be too much “matching” going on, is that really so bad? At this point, it will benefit all involved if you can adjust your perspective on the whole situation and be more understanding of what your future MIL wants to wear. Even though she isn’t the bride (that’s you lucky girl!), I’m sure you can certainly understand her wanting to feel her best on such an important day. So, try and let it go. Focus on what is really important…the love you share with your soon to be husband and your future together. Enjoy your day of celebration and don’t let anything bring you down.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of Profinish Design

Ask Marvin - Can I Alter My Engagement Story?

Dear Marvin,
You're going to think I'm shallow but I hate my engagement story. My fiance and I had been talking about getting engaged for months and I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. He ended up blurting it out when we were laying in bed right before we went to sleep! I thought it was a joke at first but he just grabbed the ring out of the bedside table. And it wasn't one of those "laying in bed and staring into each others eyes moments." I wasn't even looking at him. I mean, the words were really sweet, but still. Anyway, I'm embarrassed. And what do I tell people? I really don't want to be explaining to my grandmother that he asked me while we were laying in bed.

Embarrassed in More Ways Than One

Dear Embarrassed,
It seems to me, dear girl, you have fallen prey to the hype. The hype that your engagement story is your LOVE STORY. It just isn't true! While I can understand not wanting to offend people by letting them know WHERE you got engaged you can certainly tell them all about your love. If I was you I would tell them your love story. There is no need to go into where, just say you were talking and share with them whatever you feel comfortable telling them. Remember this isn't about all the stuff, this is about your love. Happy planning!

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - What's the Wedding Gift Budget?

Dear Marvin,
How much am I expected to spend on a wedding gift?

Ms. Penny Wise
Dear Penny,
We all know the story, Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Boy asks girl to marry him. Then girl plans an extravagant wedding event and you are invited. And so is your pocket book. Weddings are expensive affairs, not just for the bride and groom, but for guests as well. Technically, you aren’t required to purchase anything for the happy couple. However, most of us would feel a bit rude taking this route. A more sensible answer to your question depends on how close you are to the bride and groom. If you are acquaintances or co-workers, purchasing items at the lower range of the registry—around $45 —is generous. If you are a friend or distant relative you should probably aim for mid range of their registry— around $75 —and if you are a very good friend or close family member, shoot for the upper range of the registry –$100 to $150— or purchase a set of their china. However, remember that the bride and groom will be happy you are attending and a heartfelt note and thoughtful gift should be well received regardless the price range.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - How to Avoid Getting Winded

Dear Marvin,
We are planning our wedding for October and plan to hold our ceremony and reception outside. My girlfriend had her wedding in October last year and was recently telling me how windy it was and that she had to change many details of the reception at the last minute because of how windy it was. I'm getting really nervous that this may happen to me. I've already paid the deposit for the venue and can't get out of it now. What do I do?

WindedDear Winded,
InStyle Weddings recently addressed this question: "You thought you just needed to worry about your veil getting lipstick smudges in the breeze? Hah! Many tents can handle rain better than wind, so always have an indoor backup. "Tents do blow over," says Marcy Blum. "Even if it's built like a log cabin, your tent might not be able to withstand intense wind." So if you wake up to blustery conditions on your wedding day, consult the venue manager or rental company about whether you should risk it. If you decide to go ahead, make sure the tent pro sticks around for the entire reception (even if it means an extra fee)." - InStyle Weddings, Spring 2008.

Photo courtesy of Celebrations! Elegant Party Rentals

Ask Marvin - Why a 2nd Photographer?

Dear Marvin,
I don't get it. What's the deal with having a second photographer at your wedding. I mean, I want good pictures and I want to be happy with my album but is it REALLY worth having a second person at your wedding to spend the money? I'm not convinced.
One vs. Two?Dear One,
Here's the thing. Two eyes are always better than one right? So two SETS of eyes can be even more fabulous. It really is up to you how many people you have shoot your wedding. Many people like to have two there so that various angles can be captured. One really good reason to consider having two is if you are having a planned first sighting. This will allow one photographer to capture your expression while the other is capturing your FI's. This is not to say you can't fabulous wedding pictures with just one photographer. You totally can! It just gives you another option! Best of luck in your decision making!
Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - The Unwelcome Guest

Dear Marvin,
I have a wedding guest list crisis! There is one person in particular who I absolutely DON’T want to invite to my wedding. Unfortunately, it happens to be my best friend’s boyfriend.

I know I not only sound like a bridezilla, but a horrible friend as well! What could have happened to contribute to my dilemma? My friend and her boyfriend recently reconciled after a bitter breakup. He has a history of making scenes in public and picking fights with my friend randomly over seemingly unimportant issues. He is also very possessive and has a hard time sharing her “time” with others. Call me selfish, but I do not want any drama on my special day! My friend swears things are different this time, but I haven’t seen the change myself. To further complicate my dilemma, when I became engaged and started planning my wedding they were not together. So now that they are making nice, I know she wants to bring him as her “plus one”. Everyone I talk to says I do not have to invite him, and that I shouldn’t. I feel utterly awful and go back and forth between what I want to do and what I think I should do. I’m on the fence and I need to make a decision!

What should I do?


Dear On the Fence,
This is a bit of a messy situation. First and foremost, I would advise you to sit down and talk with your friend. Tell her your concerns and give her examples of why you feel this way (be gentle: remember it isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it!) If you two are as close as it sounds, chances are she is going to want the best for you on your day. I am sure she will understand that you have valid concerns, and will more than likely be just fine showing up solo to support you.

If your friend seems unhappy that you don’t want her beau to accompany her, set up a date night for you and your fiancé and include the two of them. See for yourself if things have changed. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised and change your mind about inviting him. If he resorts to his old bad habits, you will have all the proof you need to exclude him from your nuptials.

Even though this is a difficult decision to make, keep in mind the consequences of either choice. Although it is important to consider your friend’s feelings, it is also important that you have as stress free of a day as possible. In the end, a decision that you feel the most comfortable with will be the right decision for you.

Marvin

Ask Marvin- Unveiled

Dear Marvin,
I am not a fan of veils. Period. I don't want to wear one but am getting tons of pressure from my mom and sister. What other options besides a veil do I have? I need to come up with something creative so I can convince my mom and my sister it will be a-okay.

Choosing to be Unveiled

Dear Unveiled,
My dear your options are limitless! You could choose to wear beautiful flowers in your hair or a brooch. My suggestion is to search our little site here for veils and headpieces to see what you can find. Another great website to take a look at is Etsy. They always have such a wide variety of hairpieces and they are all beautifully handmade. And just remember, even though your family members want you to do something it is your choice! Make sure you are comfortable! You don't want to be tugging at your head all day! It won't make for pretty pictures.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of Sharpe Photographers

Ask Marvin - Should I Fire My Bridesmaid?

Dear Marvin,
I might have to fire a bridesmaid. When I got engaged over a year ago I asked one of my (at the time) close girlfriends to be one of my bridesmaids. At first she was REALLY happy for me and very helpful and excited. But then her and her boyfriend of 5 years broke up and all hell broke lose. She has become difficult to talk to, snide, always has a bad attitude, etc. Anytime she is asked to help out or participate in anything related to the wedding she throws fits, if she does show up she complains the entire times and makes fun of my choices. We are barely even speaking at this point. And I have very little love or patience left for her. Oh and then there is the drinking. It just DOESN'T STOP. I am afraid that as my day gets closer (only 90 days away) she will make it harder and harder to have her around and I do not want her to ruin my day. Even all the other bridesmaids are hating her now and think I should fire her. And I want to, but I feel guilty too. She has already paid for her dress (that's a WHOLE other story). So what do you think? Am I a HORRIBLE person if I fire her?

Fed Up with My BM

Dear Fed Up,
Wow, I'm sorry that you're going through that. It's always hard when the people that we expect to support us the most turn it around and do exactly the opposite. Remember that she is going through something rough right now and may just be reaching out for someone to lean on. My suggestion would be to try talking to her and sympathizing with what she's going through, while addressing her recent attitude change. She may not realize how horrendous she's being. If her poor attitude continues or she launches into a verbal assault then you need to move forward in your wedding plans without her. You can ask her to participate in a minimal way (ex: guest book attendant) if you think it would salvage your friendship. Otherwise, tell her that with all that she is going through, it may just be mutually beneficial for her to enjoy the wedding as a guest. Regardless of the route you take, don't put it off any longer. The tension is clearly causing a rift in your friendship and casting a dark shadow on a beautiful time in your life. It's not going to be easy Fed Up, but you can do it.

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists

Ask Marvin - Pre-Nup Predicaments

Dear Marvin,
I'm flabbergasted. My fiance wants me to sign a pre-nup! This seems crazy to me! We both come from wealthy families and have our own money and one would not be dependent on the other. I never even considered having him sign a pre-nup but apparently his family is insisting. This just hurts me. Does this mean they don't like me? And why are we PLANNING for our divorce before we are even married?

Love vs. Money

Dear Love vs. Money,
Money is always a touchy subject. But I don't think you should take it personally that a pre-nup has been brought up. This is also about protecting yourself. Pre-nup's are just for the super wealthy now. You have to think about your future. If you don't plan for your future and something was to happen in your marriage and you don't have a pre-nup you could be leaving the division of your assets completely up to a judge, a stranger. Having a pre-nup can actually help eliminate some of the stress of your future. Talk very frankly with your fiance about the pre-nup and how it has made you feel. Work out the details between the TWO OF YOU not your families. This is about your marriage, not your familes. Best of luck!

Marvin

Photo courtesy of The Memory Journalists